“We enjoyment of the fantastic thing about the butterfly, however not often admit the modifications it has gone via to attain that magnificence.” ~Maya Angelou
I’ve all the time been a “fixer.”
I favored to repair folks’s issues.
Somebody feeling down and out? Let me repair it by attempting to take away their ache.
Somebody on the improper life path? Let me repair it to get you again on monitor.
Somebody I like making unhealthy life choices? Let me repair it to allow them to be happier.
‘Fixing’ folks made me really feel good.
It made me really feel wanted and purposeful.
It made me really feel like I used to be making a distinction.
However generally this led me to being a martyr.
Are You a Fixer?
Being a fixer, you probably are an empath. You’re capable of put your self in another person’s sneakers and need to take away any ache they’re feeling since you really feel it with them.
Being a fixer, you typically drop what you’re doing to assist one other.
Being a fixer, you typically really feel guilt round saying no. Round ‘disappointing’ somebody.
Being a fixer, you might be typically very arduous on your self for not serving to sufficient, not being adequate, or not having the ability to repair a perceived drawback.
Being a fixer, you typically appeal to individuals who might reap the benefits of your coronary heart and willingness to assist.
Being a fixer, you could have traits of being a martyr. Healthline defines martyr as an individual who “sacrifices their very own wants and needs with a purpose to do issues for others,” generally serving to others out of obligation or guilt, which ends up in emotions of resentment, lack of appreciation, or anger.
I knew I used to be residing in an unhealthy martyr mindset once I began recognizing that I used to be resenting ‘fixing’ on a regular basis and placing myself final. Once I started feeling under-appreciated and never acknowledged for the sacrifices I used to be making. Once I observed I felt responsible if I didn’t ‘repair’ somebody and fearful that if I didn’t say sure on a regular basis, they wouldn’ love me.
The lesson I discovered about being a fixer, is that by attempting to repair everybody’s issues you aren’t permitting the individual you are attempting to repair to develop into the most effective model of themselves. Being a fixer and taking up others’ ache can also be emotionally draining and never conducive to your psychological well being and well-being.
I got here to this realization at a number of factors in my life; nevertheless, the turning level for me was once I felt completely helpless in a state of affairs.
A few years in the past, my sister skilled infidelity in her long-term relationship whereas residing overseas.
Having additionally lived away from residence and been cheated on, my coronary heart actually was breaking for her. Realizing the ache she was most likely feeling—the insecurities, disgrace, damage, betrayal, anger, and unhappiness that was pulsing via her blood—felt as if it was pulsing via mine. Realizing all too properly the ache that was coming to her, within the coming weeks and months forward as she pieced her life again collectively, felt like a dagger in my coronary heart.
And I simply needed to make it go away for her.
However there was nothing I may do to take it away from her.
I used to be hundreds of miles away, and rehashing my very own expertise with infidelity wasn’t going to assist her or my present relationship.
She needed to course of it, to develop via it similar to so many others, and I may actually not repair it.
I felt helpless.
It was then I got here throughout this lovely story of the butterfly all these years in the past. You might have heard a model earlier than, however I had saved this one as a result of it was so highly effective. The location I copied it from is now not on the web, so the writer is unknown, nevertheless it must be shared.
As soon as upon a time, a younger woman was enjoying in her grandmother’s backyard when she observed some butterfly cocoons on the brink of open.
She watched the primary butterfly attempting to come back out of its residence. It struggled and took a very long time. By the point the butterfly acquired out, it was exhausted. It needed to lay on the tree department and relaxation awhile earlier than it may take flight. The little woman felt so horrible for the little butterfly, who needed to undergo a lot of a wrestle simply to get out of his little cocoon.
When the little woman noticed the second cocoon on the brink of hatch, she didn’t need it to undergo what the primary butterfly did. So she helped open the cocoon herself, and took the butterfly out. She laid him on the department and saved him from the wrestle. However the second little butterfly died, whereas the primary little butterfly who had fought so arduous took off into the sky.
Distraught, the little woman ran to her grandmother, crying. “What occurred? Why did the second butterfly die?” she requested.
Her grandmother defined that butterflies have a liquid within the core of their physique, and as they wrestle to get out of the cocoon that liquid is pushed into the veins within the butterfly wings the place it hardens and makes the wings robust. If the butterfly doesn’t push and pull and combat to get out of the cocoon, his wings received’t be robust sufficient to fly, and the butterfly dies.
“With out the wrestle, there aren’t any wings,” Grandmother mentioned as she stroked her granddaughter’s hair. “Similar to will probably be with you, baby. In life you’ll undergo arduous instances. However it’s the arduous stuff, the wrestle, that can assist you develop, and assist you study to fly.”
“However received’t it damage?” requested the little woman.
“Typically, issues will damage. Typically, issues will probably be arduous. However at some point, it’ll all be price it. And also you’ll study from all of your struggles—they’ll train you the right way to fly!
Struggles make us stronger, they train us, they empower us, they join us.
Don’t take away somebody’s alternative to develop by attempting to ‘repair’ them or rescue them from their trials.
With out the wrestle they might not have their wings.
At that time in my life, my view on being a fixer shifted.
My sister made it via stronger, extra lovely and happier than ever, and I didn’t do a factor to ‘repair’ it.
Though I’m nonetheless an empath, and nonetheless really feel all of the feels, I’ve accepted and embraced that letting somebody expertise their very own wrestle is among the most empowering issues I can do for them.
In case you are a perpetual fixer, acknowledge which you could be there for them as a supportive ear to pay attention, a shoulder to cry on, and a trusted suggestion giver… however it’s important to enable them to undergo their wrestle with out taking up all of their feelings as if you’re residing it.
For taking the burden off their wrestle not solely weighs you down, but additionally stunts their progress.
Permit them to fly.
It is among the finest presents you may give them.
As an finish observe, from one fixer in remission to a different, I need you to know that this can be arduous so that you can do. Recognizing and bringing consciousness to the truth that you could have traits of being a martyr can (and most certainly will) catapult you into your individual wrestle and interval of progress.
Saying no to somebody you’re keen on can typically be more durable on the fixer than the opposite individual, particularly if you’re performing as an enabler to an unhealthy habits. However from my expertise, each professionally and personally, please know, by letting them empower themselves, you too are empowering your self.
